Like most moms, I have tried to teach my son to play by the rules in life. This includes team sports, which I must confess to having known very little about until I found myself raising a bundle of budding testosterone who loves basketball and football.
I’ve gotten books on the sports, and sat down with my son to learn the rules together. I have done my best to make sure he, you know, follows them. That, I told him, is what rules are for.
So imagine my surprise when my boyfriend, the cowboy, comes along and tells me that my son should be getting more…fouls. That’s right, fouls.
This came up in conversation because I expressed alarm at the high number of fouls another member of my son’s school basketball team seemed to be accumulating, and my resulting frustration that the coach let that kid play a lot anyway.
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AGGRESSION CAN BE GOOD
The cowboy informed me that in basketball, fouls were an indication of an aggressive player. Aggressive players, apparently, win games. Even if they get fouls. The trick, I was told, was to keep the number of fouls within safe limits so that you don’t get thrown out of the game.
Said the cowboy, “Don’t let yourself be so concerned with strict adherence to the rules that stifle your aggressiveness. There’s a reason that a player is allowed a number of fouls in a game, before being ejected. In the course of aggressive play, you’re going to bump into a few people (just like in life); not necessarily on purpose, but just in the course of ‘going after it’ aggressively.” The cowboy wasn’t saying Alex should disregard the rules. He was saying there was more room than I realized, to bend them or, sometimes, break them.
Celia Moore is a professor of organizational behavior at the London Business School who has studied this phenomenon of rule-breaking male athletes (hockey players in her study) being rewarded for their bad behavior. Her conclusion? That “moral disengagement” is often seen as essential for organizational advancement. “Our research does show that rule-breakers (players who get the most penalties) are valuable to teams,” said Moore via an email interview with Mamiverse. “Additionally, penalty-eliciting behavior does appear to be a route to the top leagues for players who have fewer ‘legitimate’ skills.”
Research by Michel Anteby, a professor in the Harvard Business School, shows that in the factory world, the most successful workers are those who break the rules the most. Anteby says those who possess the ability to operate in what he calls “moral gray area” are seen, whether consciously or not, as being more valuable. In other words, to go places in life, and in sports, or even in factories, you have to know how to bend the rules.
I shared this information with my son. As he listened, I could see the light bulb going off over his head. Everything made sense to him now. At his next game, he proudly took home two fouls—and a newfound respect from his teammates. They high-fived him for the aggressive, against-the-rules behavior.
I was shocked.
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GIRLS SHOULD BREAK THE RULES, TOO
As girls, we are raised to make nice. To play by the rules. To get attention and to get ahead by being good girls. Naturally, this is the value system I’d mistakenly been imparting to my child. Boys, it seems, are taught from an early age that it’s admirable to be aggressive to the point of breaking the rules, so long as you stay close to that invisible line that gets you completely thrown out of the game. Is it any wonder, then, that boys grow up to be the men who are better than we are at things like negotiating salary raises, or confronting the shady car salesman?
I stand here before you today a changed mom, the kind of mom who now advocates for her son to break the rules now and then, as long as he can get away with it. But more than that, I stand before you as a changed woman, who realizes that all women and girls would be well-served to go hard after that goal now and then, even if it means someone, somewhere, will cry foul.
I can’t believe anyone from a business school would advocate operating in a moral gray area because business schools these days turn out so many morally upright people who respect the law…. Oh wait, never mind.
I think what people need to do is think outside of the box, and learn how not to be hampered by the rules, but that’s not the same as openly breaking them. The cowboy is a white man and they get to break the rules all the time, no big deal. if a minority man does it, it’s a different story. It’s one thing to tell your son that it’s OK to get a few fouls in a basketball game, but if he goes through life breaking the rules, he will pay a price. Better to teach him how to use his creativity to overcome any obstacles that he encounters.
With all due respect, “Redlady,” your perception of “race” regarding both my son and the cowboy has nothing to do with anything. The cowboy is not a man from a privileged background; if anything, my son comes from a position of more privilege than the cowboy does. In addition, being a “white man” can often be a disadvantage in our state, where the majority of the population and nearly all elected officials and many business leaders are Hispanic. All of the boys on my son’s basketball team are Hispanic, as are his coaches and the vast majority of the other boys they compete against from other schools. My son is not a minority here, nor is he underprivileged. This kneejerk reverse racism that you exhibit, and the careless manner in which you conflate “race,” “ethnicity,” socioeconomic status, and privilege — coupled with your ignorance about the dominant role Hispanics play in the state of New Mexico as well as you ignorance of the struggles faced by many whites who do NOT come from a privileged background — is unfortunate.
If your son becomes a professional basketball player and stays in new Mexico his whole life then he’s all set. If he goes out into the real world and breaks the rules he will not fare well. I’m not saying that he has to be a sheep or a drone, just that that telling him he can break the rules and get away with it is not good advice. Furthermore, I didn’t say that anyone was underprivileged, only that white men have more latitude to break the rules than others do.
So New Mexico isn’t the real world? And the entire rest of the world functions on your personal and narrowly racist paradigm without regard to social status or caste systems? Okay. Got it. Thanks. Frankly, it is far more dangerous a thing to tell a child to expect to be treated as less-than “white people” than it is to suggest a judicious bending of rules when warranted. And, finally, do you honestly believe that “whites” and “Hispanics” are distinct groups? “Hispanic” is a US census invention, defined as an ETHNIC (not racial) group that includes “people of any race” — including whites. I’m sorry you feel inferior to “whites” and that you think it’s wise to prepare “boys of color” to take subservient positions in “the real world”. I am glad I don’t inhabit your reality. Sounds like a miserable place.
I never mentioned the word Hispanic or anything on the US census. You’re hung up on those definitions, not me. And I didn’t say that you should prepare your son to take a subservient role. (That’s for women, right?) I said that you should teach your son to follow the rules, and to use his creativity to transcend whatever limits they impose.Using your creativity is not being subservient, just the opposite.
I’m sorry if you don’t agree that white men can break the rules and get away with it more than minority men. The evidence is only all over the place.
Sorry redlady, but in my opinion, your racist views are something I refuse to let my kids believe. I refuse to let my kids use their race or anyone elses race as an excuse for “not being able to do something”. You do have a point about using their brains and creativity to push limits. That being said, I encourage my kids to push boudaries and aggressively go after what they want. I do not condone openly breaking the rules, but just like in sports, sometimes limits need to be pushed.
Celia Moore is a professor of organizational behavior at the London Business School who has studied this phenomenon of rule-breaking male athletes (hockey players in her study).
Yeah, we got a lot of hockey played here in London.
Dr. Moore is originally from CANADA. She holds degrees from McGill and Columbia and has been a visiting professor at Harvard. Her research was not done on English hockey players; not sure how you jumped to THAT conclusion, but I would advise googling a little before firing off snarky comments about respected researchers…
Wow. I am absolutely amazed by the emotional responses this post is generating! Must’ve touched a nerve. Yay!
Keep ’em comin’.
First: I think that is great that the Cowboy is giving you insights that you can share with your son, and that it makes you see things in a different light. As a single mother I often turn to male friends to help me understand a concept or how to explain something to my son . It’s nice your bf is willing to offer advice. Secondly, your scenerio is so true, especially in the business world, as I am so learning. Playing by the rules does NOT always get you respect and accolades, because quite frankly most times you are the only one doing it. I am not saying you have to be a bitch or be devious, but you have to learn to play the system, at least a little bit, ESPECIALLY as a female!
good post
Thanks, Heather! The world is a ruthless place, ain’t it? Sounds like you’re doing great out there. Keep it up! Appreciate you reading the column, and posting your thoughts.
Well, I’m a satisfied reader. As a Mom of 3 year-old twin boys, I need to stay on top of my game. I grew up in a household of mostly female, and the only male influence was my Dad, who is a very quiet person. So my conceptions of the male gender are quite limited, and a little wonky.
I may be a competitive person, but even at such a young age – they take it to a whole new level.
I’m constantly reading your blog, and am thankful you’re sharing your parenting journey. Makes me feel like I might actually be able to survive all this insanity lol
Thank you, Stephanie! I’m with you. My dad is a very ethical guy who plays by the rules. I am 43 years old, and this is the first I’ve heard of the advantages bending the rules can get you in life! Crazy! But as the cowboy often reminds me, “Darlin’, life ain’t fair. There’s the way things ought to be, then there’s the way things are.”
Being a single mom of four I know how hard it can be for a female to raise a son by herself. I admire and are thankfu for those women who accept the challenge. Having said that, I am concern with the age of the child, since the level of maturity of those children who were included in the study might have a lot to do with how constructive the “gray area” can be. Not to say that everyone who is 50 is more mature than someone who is 18, it should be but the fact is that is not always the truth. Age, maturity, self perception ect are very relevant concepts when we talk about this situation. However, the fact of the matter is that no two children are the same, and no two situatios are equal, no matter how similar they might seem. I am very glad this is working for you and your son. Being a High School Teacher I have to tell you I would hate for my student’s parents to use this concept to often. Teenagers are confuse and outspoken enough for me to think on adding anymore “breaking the rules” to there revel years.
Good luck! They (children) don’t bring a manual. I trust God will always help us with this very difficult, must important task.
Thanks for your comments, Maria. And thanks for your service to society as a teacher. Most important job in the world!
I enjoyed your article. I just finished reading Steve Jobs Biography and if you want to talk about a “rule” breaker, that man was a pro. Thanks for making me think a little harder today.
Great article! I have had to learn this the hard way… rule breakers get more accomplished! Being a rule follower most of my life I spent time trying to figure out what was I doing wrong, why wasn’t I getting ahead, why was nobody praising my rule follower skills!! My boss pointed it out to me, I was not being passionate enough to break the rules. I was being too cautious and it made me look like I was afraid to take risk. thanks for a great read!