If you’re lucky enough to kiss more than a few men in your life, you’re bound to run into some, shall we say... unique kissing styles. So for those of you who have ever closed your eyes, received a kiss and wondered what exact type of animal you’re kissing, we’ve taken the guesswork out of it for you. Here are the 8 men you’ll kiss, represented as animals. Note there are no frogs on this list—that’s the stuff of fairy tales, after all, and this is reality!
The Lizard: You know this one. That tongue—hopefully not forked—darts in an out of your mouth, jittery and noncommittal. He thinks it’s sexy; you find it annoying. Be forewarned: this animal morphs into a different one during sex—the jackrabbit.
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The Slug: He’ll kiss you, but it may just feel like you’ve got a big wad of gum in your mouth. The slug thinks it’s sexy to just put his tongue in your mouth and let it sit there or at best, move very, very slowly. If you plan on having sex with the slug, be sure to bring a good book.
The Golden Retriever: He’s warm, affectionate and enthusiastic, but you’ll need to towel off after a make-out session. The Golden Retriever just wants to please, but he still hasn’t learned his basic commands. After sex, he may want you to scratch his belly.
The Grizzly Bear: This Grizzly is at the top of the food chain, and he wants to make sure you know it. He’s a take charge kisser who’s all paws, and he’ll devour you on the couch before you even have a chance to kick off your shoes. If you like a dominant sex partner, this is your guy.
The Shark: Stealthy and all teeth, the shark can actually be painful to kiss. While we think sharks are a necessary part of the food chain, they have no place in a romance. This is a guy who still thinks hickies are sexy. If you have sex with him, bring a first aid kit to bed.
The Butterfly: Butterfly kisses are cute, right? For toddlers. But the adult male butterfly barely hovers above your lips, just brushing his tongue against yours. In a word, passive. No matter how beautiful the butterfly is, this behavior will make you want to smash him with a rolled up newspaper. But if you want to be a dominatrix in bed, this may be your guy.
The Turtle: Although they are both slow, the turtle is distinct from the slug in that he will only stick his tongue in your mouth periodically, and then retreat back into his shell. In bed, what he considers robust thrusting you will likely consider a periodic, brief spasm. You may want to check his pulse occasionally.
The Hippopotamus: Did you know that hippos are the most dangerous animals on the African continent? Not because of their huge teeth, but because they grab their victims and hold them underwater until they drown. The hippo, as kisser and sex partners will overwhelm you, pin you to the couch or bed, and leave you gasping for air. Bring an oxygen tank.
So…which animals did we leave out? Who’s your favorite member of the animal kissing kingdom?