Many women aren’t sure how to talk about sex with their partners. Obviously, if you want to improve your sex life and your relationship, communication is key. However, some men can be a bit touchy when it comes to discussing their performance in the bedroom and what women want in bed that they may not be giving them.


According to John Gray, author of the best–selling book Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus, when a man feels challenged, he gets defensive and the tone of the communication may become negative one for both partners. When men face confrontation, their “fight or flight” mechanism gets activated. Usually men fight but they can also flee, leaving the conversation, thus leaving matters unresolved.

If you are wondering why men get so scared by sex talk, the truth is that men have an underlying fear of not being able to perform, not being adequate lovers, not being able to satisfy their partners, and of rejection. Men have a pressure to perform and, unlike women, men cannot easily fake being aroused. Also, men are expected to know it all in sex matters and it is a big disappointment for both and a big failure for him when he is proven otherwise.

Here, some basic tips for how to talk about sex in a way that your man will be receptive and open to without getting touchy.

Read Related: Relationship Advice: 8 Non-Sexual Ways to Build Intimacy in Bed


Be Positive
A critical approach can shut down the communication channels leaving both you and your partner stranded. Therefore, avoid harsh tones when talking to him about your sexual desires, frustrations, fantasies, likes and dislikes. Instead of saying, “You don’t know what to do!” try telling him how much you like something he does and then telling him that you would like more of that. Or tell him something that you saw or read seemed interesting and describe it to him vividly. Tell him you may like to try it!

Avoid Eye Contact
Helen Fischer, author of Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love, says that men find eye-to-eye contact confrontational. Therefore, when talking about sensitive topics, such as what women want in bed, it may be more beneficial to bring it up while on a drive, while walking, or just sitting side-by-side. Men may find it less confrontational and be more receptive to the message.


Use Visual Aids
Men are visual creatures and they respond well when you can paint a picture. Use this to your advantage! Talk to him about your thoughts, narrate to him in a descriptive way what is it that you would like in the form of a story or a dream, and show him.

Let’s Do It
Be spontaneous and surprise him. Begin by seducing him with your words and initiate sex at the same time. Whisper in his ear and touch him while you tell him what you envision to happen in that encounter. Be self-confident and take the lead.


Give Positive Feedback
When your man does something that you like, positively reinforce him by saying it and possibly, doing something else for him. Offer to give him a massage after he has performed the new trick you wanted, while also telling him how much you loved the experience. Text him the next morning telling him how much you cannot stop thinking about it. Positive reinforcement and reward will encourage him to loosen up and be more receptive and confident in his abilities.

Maintaining open channels of communication channels between you and your partner is good, not only for your sexual health, but also for your overall health and that of your relationship. The worst thing you can do, besides nagging or expressing your feelings in a negative way, is to keep quiet out of fear. Learning how to talk about sex with your partner will strengthen your relationship.