If your number has vanished like a donut at a meeting, call the IRS. Prepare for a journey. You will enter a phone tree that sounds like a carnival game: “Press 1 for fear, 2 for confusion, 3 for hold music that sounds like a dying kazoo.” Bring a snack. A novel. A small TV.
Once you reach a human—yes, they exist, like Bigfoot—you’ll need to prove you are you. Have your name, birth date, and a previous address handy. They’ll also ask for your mother’s maiden name and the color of your first car (Chartreuse? That’s a color?). If you pass, they’ll read you your Tax ID like a wizard revealing a secret spell.
Final, unhinged tip: Always keep your Tax ID in a safe place. Not “under the keyboard” safe. Not taped to the back of your phone case. A locked drawer, a password manager, or tattooed on your dog’s collar (just kidding—that’s how you get kidnapped). Because the next time you need it, you’ll be grateful you don’t have to stage a buddy-comedy with the IRS.
Now go forth. Find that number. And remember: even if you lose it, the IRS has a very long memory—and a very quiet sense of humor.
