If you have children, Surbiton’s schools are academically excellent. The kids are polite, tidy, and probably already have LinkedIn profiles. Your child will be the one who still eats glue, and that’s fine—the other kids are too busy organizing charity bake sales for the local hedgehog sanctuary.
But be warned: the parents are competitive. You’ll hear things like, “My little Oliver is learning Mandarin and also plays the viola in three different orchestras.” Oliver is seven and has the emotional range of a damp napkin. Don’t do this to yourself. Just let your kid be average. Surbiton will still accept you, albeit with slightly judgemental eyes over a garden fence.
The Parks: Nature, but Make It Clean
Surbiton has several parks, and they are stunning in a way that makes you feel guilty for not being outside more. Alexandra Park is the crown jewel—it has a clock tower, a pond, and geese that treat you like an unpaid intern. You can picnic there, but only if you’re okay with wasps and a pensioner telling you that your blanket is “lovely, dear.”
Also, there’s a tennis court that requires a key. You have to pay for the key. It costs ten pounds, and you’ll lose it within a week. Then you’ll have to buy another, and you’ll hate yourself a little bit more. But you’ll still play tennis like you’re in a midsummer night’s dream, so it’s worth it.
