First, let’s talk about the sand. It’s not just sand; it’s a fine, powdery substance that gets into places you didn’t know you had places. You will be finding it in your socks next Christmas.
And the water? It’s bathwater warm in April, which is great until you realize you’re swimming in what feels like a giant, slightly salty, chicken noodle soup. Don’t worry, the jellyfish are just there to add some “texture” to your swim.
You will see a man with a parrot on his shoulder who will try to charge you twenty dollars for a picture. The parrot is unimpressed with your sunscreen-stained sunglasses. The man, however, is a master negotiator who will eventually take five bucks and a half-eaten bag of chips.
The Art of the “Walking Vending Machine”
Here’s a surprising fact: Miami-Dade has more than 800,000 coconut palms. That’s a lot of potential head injuries and free drinks if you’re brave enough to climb one. I am not. I wait for them to fall, like a civilized predator.
The real wildlife, however, is the Spring Breaker. You can spot them by their tribal markings: neon swim trunks, a temporary tattoo of a flamingo that is already peeling, and a look of profound, wallet-free regret in their eyes.
They travel in packs, communicating by yelling “Let’s go!” at varying octaves. If you listen closely, you can actually hear their bank accounts crying from a block away.
