Let’s take a trip down memory lane, which is basically a bumpy road filled with crying fans. England’s first ever World Cup game was in 1950, and they lost to the USA. Yes, that USA. The score was 1-0, and it was such a shock that British newspapers thought it was a typo and printed “USA 1, England 10.”
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Imagine the sheer hubris. The English team probably expected a gentle stroll through a park, and instead got a kick in the shins from a country known for baseball and oversized hamburgers. That result is a permanent, glorious scar on our national ego.
A more recent example: the 2018 first game against Tunisia. We won 2-1, but it was more stressful than assembling flat-pack furniture without instructions. Harry Kane scored a header in the 91st minute like a superhero with a bad haircut. The nation collectively inhaled a sausage roll and wept with joy.
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Here’s a playful exaggeration: if England’s first game is against Germany, the entire island will spontaneously combust into a cloud of nostalgia and panic. We’ll all be shouting “It’s coming home!” while simultaneously hiding behind the sofa. It’s a national pastime.
And what about kick-off time? That’s a sleep-deprivation lottery. Because the games are in North America, England fans might have to watch at 3 AM. That’s not football; that’s an endurance test. You’ll need a pint of strong coffee and a sworn promise not to fall asleep during the national anthem.
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