Pregnant women are bombarded with different expectations of what motherhood will be like. Images dance in our heads of cherubic babies calmly falling asleep in our arms. We look forward to the emotions of hearing their first laugh and the thrill of seeing them take their first steps.
After giving birth to my beautiful son, I, too, awaited those moments. But life has a way of throwing us curveballs, and motherhood brought along some unexpected surprises.
Here is my list of the five weirdest things that happened to me after I had a baby.
1. I BECAME A NUDIST (FROM THE WAIST UP)
I was never into the nudist thing but after having my son, I found myself walking around the house sans shirt and bra. It was a slippery slope to get to that point, but when your days turn into never ending cycles of breastfeeding and pumping milk, before you know it, you don’t even have time to put your shirt back on after a feeding. I mean, why bother!
I even started doing small chores such as washing the dishes topless. One day I noticed my gardener waving at me with a huge grin. It was time to close the curtains.
2. I LEARNED TO ROCK THE GRANNY PANTY
I used to love shopping at Victoria’s Secret and buying those tiny, silk undies with lace trim. After having my son, those G-strings weren’t so comfortable anymore. The elastic rubbed on my C-section scar making them uncomfortable. I also had a heavy menses for almost a month, making itty-bitty underwear not so practical. I had to resign and downgrade to those granny panties I used to make fun of, but when I slipped them on they felt so right. A few months have passed, and…shhhhh…I still like my granny panties.
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3. I NOW FIND FARTS AMUSING
As a doting mom, I catch myself staring into my son’s big round eyes, and I am transported into a daze of amazement and awe. I can literally just look at him for hours until the romanticism is interrupted by his sudden loud farts, ones that would put a trucker to shame. Those big noises coming out of such a small delicate creature just sound so cute. I never thought hearing someone pass gas would actually make me smile.
4. I’M TOTALLY OK WITH BEING FRUMPY
I have always loved fashion and being up-to-date with the latest trends. Although I did shop for cute pregnancy clothes, I wasn’t prepared for what to wear after I delivered my baby. When I came home from the hospital, my pregnancy clothes made me look like I was still pregnant and my ‘normal’ clothes didn’t fit anymore, so my go-to outfit became my most worn-in stretchy sweat pants and oversized comfy cotton t-shirts. Who says frumpy isn’t fabulous?
5. I’VE JOINED A SECRET ELEVATOR SOCIETY
The first time you take your little one out to the mall you need to travel using a stroller. When I did this, I quickly realized I had to use the mall’s elevators. As I maneuvered all over the shopping center, I felt like I was Indiana Jones trying to find these secret doors that only mommies or people in wheelchairs used. I found myself having ten second conversations with other moms like, “How old is your little one?” “What’s her name?” Then suddenly the doors open and your interaction with them is over. Then, you go on with your business looking for sales and the next elevator. I never knew a “secret elevator society” existed within shopping centers, and that a baby is your admission ticket.